Save the moments of contentment

The best thing I love about Islam is learning to be content in whatever state Allah (swt) has granted you with. I think this is extremely hard though because we all live in such a shallow, materialistic world. We can have the most peaceful lives while halfway across the world people don't even know what the word 'peace' means and haven't lived by its definition for a very, very long time. Yet those of us who lead a fairly peaceful life with the usual stress of work and school, we complain about having 'boring lives'! It's like there's always something missing, there's always this one thing or that thing, and if you just HAD it, everything would be perfect. But in Islam, we are told from the beginning that that is not the case. That running after materialistic things in this world, or running after anything for that matter is a form of ignorance, disbelief and in some forms is stupidity. Everything is temporary. Now, I'm not saying that since everything is temporary you should go rot in your room on the couch because of that, no--infact we, as Muslims should strive in all that we do, in our roles in the society, in our careers, in our family, school, work, friends---my point is---is to stop stressing over things that don't matter. Couldn't land that job? It's okay--maybe you'll find something better, maybe you would have never gotten along with the co-workers anyways and Allah swt has saved you. I think...in essence that's why we're supposed to be thankful for whatever state we are in...because behind everything there is great wisdom that even our minds cannot comprehend.
Lately, Alhumdullilah I've been having many 'moments of contentment' I'd like to call them :) I've learned to mentally cherish moments in my life that I am truly content--for instance if I'm in a favorite restaurant and eating a favorite meal with a good friend sitting across from me...I will savor that moment, and I will live in that moment. I'd think about all the people who would honestly LOVE being in my state--in those states of contentment. Save these moments, and think about them when you are facing hardships, the more you save and more you remember, the more you will begin to realize that you have been blessed with so many moments of contentment and these moments have passed, and the moment of hardship will as well! Try it for yourself =)

Happy Updates

All I can say is that I can feel myself making progress. I, for a fact, know that I am making progress and I thought it would take me years and years. But no, already, it is fading and I couldn't have been more happier about that.
Out of sheer desperation, I ended up sending a text to him, saying that even though it may be too late, I wanted to wish him Ramadan Mubarak, it was so painful because last Ramadan was so different than this year's. I shared a joke, actually it was a 'blonde' moment of mine, and I brought it up in that text. In response, I get a smart-ass comment, along the lines of, "Lol, actually...da da da da" as in correcting me. God, how can people change? Why do they change in a manner that it's pretty much considered frightening? It frightens me. I don't believe I've ever changed as much as I know some people who have.

As for my happy updates, my secret of being happy is to be thankful for the things I have, rather than complain about what I don't have. Just sitting and pondering for two minutes, and I end up with endless blessings, Alhumdullilah.
Even something as simple as a family, a mother, a father, sisters. Not everyone has the blessing of living their lives in the presence of a mother and father, not everyone has the blessing of having siblings which are more like the 'bffs' lol.
Not everyone has the luxury of good food every single day, day and night. I think about all the times I've wanted to eat something and how eventually, I end up doing just that, Subhanallah! Either the same day, or the next, or maybe a couple days later...
not everybody gets to live in a cozy home, have a cozy, warm bed to sleep in, drink cold fresh water whenever thirsty, have an education, have good clothes, nice hair, fair skin, a pretty smile (haha...I'm just kinda rambling now about things I like about myself..or things I have) oh and i've been skinny all my life! I love being skinny, all thanks to the fast metabolism : ) I eat plenty but never seem to gain anything.
It's like every moment, wherever I am, I search for reasons to be thankful, and I smile and laugh so much more. i'm learning to let go, and I thank Allah swt for that. I just feel like Allah swt is helping me, he's not doing the work for me, but he's giving me the strentgth to do it on my own. Because that's the only way I'll take something away from this. I've finally found something to lean on, to depend on.
Even just sitting here, typing, is a blessing! I am only able to do this because I have eyesight, I have fingers and a functioning nervous system (by the way, everyone should take anatomy once in their lifetime, you'll be thanking day and night for having everything function properly inside our bodies, it truly is such a big blessing)
which comes down to good health, the most 'unhealthy' I've ever been is by becoming sick, or catching a flu, coughing sneezing and nothing more.

I have people in my life who love me and care for me, so why care about the ones who don't?
i have dreams, goals, and things I want to do in life. No one is responsible for what I become except for myself. Only by how determined, and how hard I work to achieve what I want to achieve is what will matter.
I believe, the best way to let go of someone is not by remembering things they've said to you before, you know what I'm talking about, the good ol' mushy stuff, because actually, those were all lies! if any of those things said meant anything, then there's no way anyone would suffer from heart break.
It's important to realize that some cliche sayings actually are for benefit. "He's not worth your time," is so cliche, but you know what? it's true. Gotta run.

Please talk to me God...

I don't give a fudge....if I sound emo. Maybe I AM emo, but today after school I had to go to the library and out of the blue I started crying. Tear after tear after tear. I swear, there was like a little puddle of tears on the desk I was sitting.
Then I sat out on the bench for a bit, not crying, but silently grieving. Quiet, head hung low as the sun set across from me. The library's the worst place to be because that's where I used to work...and that's where he had come to see me.
I came home and the tears started flowing again while doing wudu'.
God, I just wish there was a way to describe this feeling--or these feelings. I can't even find the right words, I won't be able to even if I tried.
I read Asr with my eyes blurring, hiccuping on random verses. I seriously shake when I'm praying now. I hate being so weak, so vulnerable, so sensitive, but I can't help it. I can't change myself. I've tried but I always go back to the tearing up in a little corner.
Please talk to me God, I thought in my head.
Please. Help me. Help me let go. Make him come back. No. Make him disappear out of my life. No wait, I just want to talk to him one last time...
I just get so frustrated because I don't even know what to ask for, I just wish I can have a one-on-one with Allah swt, because I'm sure he has all the answers--why he left, how it's going to affect my future...and what I should be praying for? What DO I pray for? Strength? A new man? No more love? The strength to love again? WHAT DO I DO?
I just feel so disconnected, I feel like my prayers are disappearing in thin air, do the tears mean anything at all?
Please talk to me God...

The first cut is the deepest...

I think it's a bit too early to make such a huge confession, but it's something I feel that I need to write about and get off my chest.

The confession is that I was in love.

So here's my *broken* love story:

But first I need a name, let's call him H.
So I had this infatuating crush on H since freshmen year in high school, (I was only a freshman lol so cut me some slack, I'm a senior now and much more wiser and understand why this was wrong to do) He was everything I could have possibly dreamed of to have in a guy and more.
He was good-looking (like, very...), had the cheesiest smile to die for (the kind that made him look chinky lol) involved in his school's MSA (we went to different schools which were closely linked, however,) goofy, not afraid to show his desi side, he cared about his studies, and let's just say, every girl was goo-goo-gaa-gaa over him, and he didn't give a damn about it. By not giving a damn, it's like he knew but he didn't care.
Like any stupid freshmen (I believe he was a junior at the time) I did anything and everything to get his attention, we talked a couple times, random convos over Aim and whatnot. (Which used to MAKE MY DAY!) But then I caught on the fact that he was simply not interested, and I sort of moved off into the background.

Turns out, even if he was interested, he was with a girl from my school at the time, a pretty, rich, MSA-involved, on-the-top-of-the-class type smart sophomore girl, let's call her N. (But I didn't know this until way later, I just thought it was me and he didn't like ME lol)

We were on each others face books. But that was about it. H was just on my friend's list and nothing more.
During the summer before my Junior year, my oldest sister got married. Which, by the way was an absolute blast! Who doesn't love desi weddings? On top of that, who doesn't love desi weddings in which you're the bride's sister? ; )
There were pictures of the wedding ALL OVER FACEBOOK! It was absolutely hilarious how all these people knew me after wards, just because they had seen 'tagged' pictures of the wedding and read off the tagged people's names, and somehow, *shudders* remembered.

So out of the blue (yes, it was just that, out of the blue!) I get a 'Hello' from H on my facebook chat. Mind you, I thought it was a mistake, I thought he meant to send it to someone and did to me accidentally. So I calm down and take a deep breath, and after much thinking, finally type, "Salaam,"
We talk for a couple minutes, but I notice a sudden, immediate change by the way he's talking to me. H's friendlier, and more open to talk, must be those wedding pictures, eh? Haha.
So in the end (I can so see everyone picking up their sandals and throwing them in my direction because all of this is/was SO SO SO WRONG!) we exchange phone numbers.
Then this text marathon begins. Literally. 24/7. It gets to the point that I'm so ecstatic, to the point where I'm ALWAYS smiling/laughing, bright, cheerful and anything else happy because...H starts to like me. We start talking about relationships.
H wants to be with me. I can't believe it.
Can't.
Can't.
Can't.
Believe it. (By the way, I don't know what's with me and my low self-esteem around him)
So, by January, we're pretty much together. As much as I hate to say this, I had never been that happy in my entire life. Long, mushy messages on facebook, sweet good morning/good night text messages, unforgettable aim conversations, giggly phone convos.
Besides all that, H honestly became my best friend. A short-lived companion.
My sisters knew about him, and pretty much his whole family knew about me, so it wasn't completely behind their backs. At one point, even my mom knew (she wasn't so cool about it though, figures) H even talked to my sisters, lol and we never did anything more than talk, mind you, which I guess made it 'sort of' okay.
H came to see me where I worked on Valentine's day and I baked him brownies =) and he brought me a rose which stayed red/fresh for so long! And I'd bring that up a lot and he'd laugh about it, he found a lot of things about me childish, yet cute. At this point, I knew about the girl that he had been with from my school. Things didn't work out because, according to him, she had an ego the size of a mountain, she demanded too much, and wouldn't settle for anything but hang out which didn't work with his tight schedule (he worked a lot). I believed him.

By the first week of march, everything was over.
There was nothing wrong with N. It was him.
We had each others passwords, and so I was checking something on my facebook, and I randomly logged out. I figured it was him logging on, so I waited a while and logged back on and checked my messages.
Our thread was deleted. I tried getting onto his, the password was changed.
I started to panic. I was talking to a girl at the time on aim, (she was his brother's significant other) and she told me to call him and ask what's up.
So I did, but at that point I was close to tears, my voice was quivering. But I was able to sound angry enough, and this is what I got,

"I changed my password because I have keylogger and it saves my passwords so I have to change them often, and I deleted our messages because they're pretty personal and I don't want your sisters or anyone else reading them,"
"You're the only one who has my password,"
"Oh..." Then he had to leave, because he was on the phone with a client from work.

Then he came on aim, five minutes later. After a half hour or so, it dawned on me that he was trying to break up.
My legs went numb. I couldn't believe it.
Then I guess, the rest is pretty easy to figure out. I cried, and cried, and cried, from March, and it's SEPTEMBER now, doing a lot better, but all that time in between was nothing but crying.
It was the strangest feeling in those months, like I'll never be happy again. Like, my love story began and it got ruined/finished even before anything happened. I never figured out why he did what he did, on top of that he became extremely cold/detached, like a switch just went off. Here's the scariest part: I felt like I would have no one, because I don't have the heart to love anymore. It's like, I gave him my everything, and he hasn't returned it even though he won't be needing it, so I have nothing to offer to anyone else. It was gray. Lonely. Only someone who's gone through what I have gone through will be able to understand what I went through, and maybe that won't even be enough to sum it up.

We sort of kept in touch, but all contact got cut off when he asked this while we were texting, "Not to come across as rude or arrogant, but what are you looking to get from talking to me?"
Wow. Goodbye. Officially this time.

But I noticed a huge change in myself, I was becoming a better person, I became determined to work hard in school. (I want to get into med school now, actually) My prayers were much more regular, and I started to study and get my hands on anything Islam. And quite frankly, I just don't care about guys anymore. Nada. Zit. Zero.

I don't know where the connection is in all of this, but I've become wiser, stronger, and let's just say...the only relationship I'll be investing in from now on is with the person I intend to marry.
I trust Allah (swt) and honestly believe that there was good in this that I can't see, because no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to see the big picture like the way He can. I'm sure my tearful prayers in front of Him will be answered, maybe not exactly in what I wanted, but answered in the right way.

Because since when do any of us know what we want anyways?

Don't judge a book by its cover: Don't judge a muslimah by her hijab!

What I've learned is, you simply cannot judge a Muslimah by whether or not she covers her hair, or whether or not she wears pants that show the shape between her legs, or whether or not the sleeves of her shirt go 100% below her wrists.
What I've also learned is, you can't expect every single girl that simply pins a silky scarf around her head is religiously superior to one who doesn't.

There are all sorts of Muslimahs, here's a list of categories I've come up with:

1) Arrogant Hijabi- Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? But yes, they exist!!! These Muslimahs believe just because they are full-time hijabis/niqabis--(by the way, the good thing is they do observe it as perfectly as possible) that they are more superior. They give the non-hijabis the 'up-down' a head-to-toe look that can make the poor sister who has a shawl draped over her head melt to the ground with humiliation and guilt. Subhanallah, I don't even think Allah (swt) looks at these poor sisters as harshly as some of these women do!

2)Traditional Hijabi- There are Muslimahs who find absolutely no trouble from transitioning from non-hijabi to hijabi, simply because they live in a family--or country--in which that is the norm. The mother, the sisters, the cousins all observe it and expect the same of every woman in their household to take up on it once it is time. There are also countries, such as Saudi Arabia where you're not even ALLOWED to be hijab-less. I'm not saying all--but some of these woman are basically 'forced' to start hijab. This is wrong, and sometimes these kinds of girls become a kind of rebel--they are forced to cover their hair so they decide they'll do anything and everything that clashes with the meaning of being a Hijabi. Yes, I've seen and heard of girls who drive with their parents to school with a tight scarf, and once the car turns away--off comes the head piece, the hoodie, and the hair is quickly tousled by the hands. Wow.

2)Head-strong Hijabi- SubhanAllah, I applaud these Muslimahs, these are the unbelievably head-strong and willing--usually converts. They've studied Islam from A-Z, and tend to turn out even better than the Muslimah who has been Muslim all her life, simply because they have been proactive of obtaining knowledge, of finding answers of any questions they may have. I find these Muslimahs extremely lucky because Allah (swt) has truly guided them to Islam before he has guided them to the ummah (which, by the way, these days can use a lot of improvement in all sorts of ways, blah, so...imperfect?)

3) Confused- This Muslimah has a dust-catching bag hiding deep within the bottom of her closet, full of scarves, pins and of the like. This Muslimah is constantly googling articles about the obligation of hijab--deep within her heart she knows it is an obligation and reads these articles over and over again until one day, Allah willing, she would pull that bag out and find the strength and courage to put it on!

4) Culturally Bombed- This is the Muslimah I think--has the hardest. She's raised into a family where hijab is just...not there. Even if she does want to take the leap and be the first: Her friends don't do it, her mother doesn't observe it, nor do her three older sisters. Culturally bombed Muslimahs inhabit an environment where not covering your hair, not wearing full-sleeve loose clothing is basically okay--it's a part of following culture, and it's a pretty innocent thing to do. No one in her circle of friends and family will point at her for not observing hijab, because none of the women around her do anyways. She fasts, she prays, and she dresses up for Eid--and is generally a good person at heart, but just isn't ready to shout to the world every morning that she is a Muslim woman, but before that, she is a...(Insert Country Name) Woman.

So if a #3, or a #4 comes to you, #1, please have some mercy on these girls! Open up your mind. Get out of your little boxed-in thinking that just pushes the potential hijabis even further away from you. Because for all you know, these girls may go home every night and pull out their own dusty bags and try on their scarves with pure intention to please Allah (swt) one day. SubhanAllah, there is a good reason to why only Allah (swt) can judge us and what is in our hearts and what lies in our intentions.

I've also heard of, "No ifs or buts...you have to pull it on as soon as you reach puberty,"

Yes, it's true, delaying it would be wrong, but even just a recurring thought or intention to do it one day is not wrong--in fact--it is rewarding!

Like everything, it is simply a form of jihad, a personal struggle, a struggle between man (in this case, woman) and God. So please stop trying to interfere with other people's struggles, because I'm sure we all have our own to worry about.

Tons of love,

*MuslimChica*