The first cut is the deepest...

I think it's a bit too early to make such a huge confession, but it's something I feel that I need to write about and get off my chest.

The confession is that I was in love.

So here's my *broken* love story:

But first I need a name, let's call him H.
So I had this infatuating crush on H since freshmen year in high school, (I was only a freshman lol so cut me some slack, I'm a senior now and much more wiser and understand why this was wrong to do) He was everything I could have possibly dreamed of to have in a guy and more.
He was good-looking (like, very...), had the cheesiest smile to die for (the kind that made him look chinky lol) involved in his school's MSA (we went to different schools which were closely linked, however,) goofy, not afraid to show his desi side, he cared about his studies, and let's just say, every girl was goo-goo-gaa-gaa over him, and he didn't give a damn about it. By not giving a damn, it's like he knew but he didn't care.
Like any stupid freshmen (I believe he was a junior at the time) I did anything and everything to get his attention, we talked a couple times, random convos over Aim and whatnot. (Which used to MAKE MY DAY!) But then I caught on the fact that he was simply not interested, and I sort of moved off into the background.

Turns out, even if he was interested, he was with a girl from my school at the time, a pretty, rich, MSA-involved, on-the-top-of-the-class type smart sophomore girl, let's call her N. (But I didn't know this until way later, I just thought it was me and he didn't like ME lol)

We were on each others face books. But that was about it. H was just on my friend's list and nothing more.
During the summer before my Junior year, my oldest sister got married. Which, by the way was an absolute blast! Who doesn't love desi weddings? On top of that, who doesn't love desi weddings in which you're the bride's sister? ; )
There were pictures of the wedding ALL OVER FACEBOOK! It was absolutely hilarious how all these people knew me after wards, just because they had seen 'tagged' pictures of the wedding and read off the tagged people's names, and somehow, *shudders* remembered.

So out of the blue (yes, it was just that, out of the blue!) I get a 'Hello' from H on my facebook chat. Mind you, I thought it was a mistake, I thought he meant to send it to someone and did to me accidentally. So I calm down and take a deep breath, and after much thinking, finally type, "Salaam,"
We talk for a couple minutes, but I notice a sudden, immediate change by the way he's talking to me. H's friendlier, and more open to talk, must be those wedding pictures, eh? Haha.
So in the end (I can so see everyone picking up their sandals and throwing them in my direction because all of this is/was SO SO SO WRONG!) we exchange phone numbers.
Then this text marathon begins. Literally. 24/7. It gets to the point that I'm so ecstatic, to the point where I'm ALWAYS smiling/laughing, bright, cheerful and anything else happy because...H starts to like me. We start talking about relationships.
H wants to be with me. I can't believe it.
Can't.
Can't.
Can't.
Believe it. (By the way, I don't know what's with me and my low self-esteem around him)
So, by January, we're pretty much together. As much as I hate to say this, I had never been that happy in my entire life. Long, mushy messages on facebook, sweet good morning/good night text messages, unforgettable aim conversations, giggly phone convos.
Besides all that, H honestly became my best friend. A short-lived companion.
My sisters knew about him, and pretty much his whole family knew about me, so it wasn't completely behind their backs. At one point, even my mom knew (she wasn't so cool about it though, figures) H even talked to my sisters, lol and we never did anything more than talk, mind you, which I guess made it 'sort of' okay.
H came to see me where I worked on Valentine's day and I baked him brownies =) and he brought me a rose which stayed red/fresh for so long! And I'd bring that up a lot and he'd laugh about it, he found a lot of things about me childish, yet cute. At this point, I knew about the girl that he had been with from my school. Things didn't work out because, according to him, she had an ego the size of a mountain, she demanded too much, and wouldn't settle for anything but hang out which didn't work with his tight schedule (he worked a lot). I believed him.

By the first week of march, everything was over.
There was nothing wrong with N. It was him.
We had each others passwords, and so I was checking something on my facebook, and I randomly logged out. I figured it was him logging on, so I waited a while and logged back on and checked my messages.
Our thread was deleted. I tried getting onto his, the password was changed.
I started to panic. I was talking to a girl at the time on aim, (she was his brother's significant other) and she told me to call him and ask what's up.
So I did, but at that point I was close to tears, my voice was quivering. But I was able to sound angry enough, and this is what I got,

"I changed my password because I have keylogger and it saves my passwords so I have to change them often, and I deleted our messages because they're pretty personal and I don't want your sisters or anyone else reading them,"
"You're the only one who has my password,"
"Oh..." Then he had to leave, because he was on the phone with a client from work.

Then he came on aim, five minutes later. After a half hour or so, it dawned on me that he was trying to break up.
My legs went numb. I couldn't believe it.
Then I guess, the rest is pretty easy to figure out. I cried, and cried, and cried, from March, and it's SEPTEMBER now, doing a lot better, but all that time in between was nothing but crying.
It was the strangest feeling in those months, like I'll never be happy again. Like, my love story began and it got ruined/finished even before anything happened. I never figured out why he did what he did, on top of that he became extremely cold/detached, like a switch just went off. Here's the scariest part: I felt like I would have no one, because I don't have the heart to love anymore. It's like, I gave him my everything, and he hasn't returned it even though he won't be needing it, so I have nothing to offer to anyone else. It was gray. Lonely. Only someone who's gone through what I have gone through will be able to understand what I went through, and maybe that won't even be enough to sum it up.

We sort of kept in touch, but all contact got cut off when he asked this while we were texting, "Not to come across as rude or arrogant, but what are you looking to get from talking to me?"
Wow. Goodbye. Officially this time.

But I noticed a huge change in myself, I was becoming a better person, I became determined to work hard in school. (I want to get into med school now, actually) My prayers were much more regular, and I started to study and get my hands on anything Islam. And quite frankly, I just don't care about guys anymore. Nada. Zit. Zero.

I don't know where the connection is in all of this, but I've become wiser, stronger, and let's just say...the only relationship I'll be investing in from now on is with the person I intend to marry.
I trust Allah (swt) and honestly believe that there was good in this that I can't see, because no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to see the big picture like the way He can. I'm sure my tearful prayers in front of Him will be answered, maybe not exactly in what I wanted, but answered in the right way.

Because since when do any of us know what we want anyways?