I don't give a fudge....if I sound emo. Maybe I AM emo, but today after school I had to go to the library and out of the blue I started crying. Tear after tear after tear. I swear, there was like a little puddle of tears on the desk I was sitting.
Then I sat out on the bench for a bit, not crying, but silently grieving. Quiet, head hung low as the sun set across from me. The library's the worst place to be because that's where I used to work...and that's where he had come to see me.
I came home and the tears started flowing again while doing wudu'.
God, I just wish there was a way to describe this feeling--or these feelings. I can't even find the right words, I won't be able to even if I tried.
I read Asr with my eyes blurring, hiccuping on random verses. I seriously shake when I'm praying now. I hate being so weak, so vulnerable, so sensitive, but I can't help it. I can't change myself. I've tried but I always go back to the tearing up in a little corner.
Please talk to me God, I thought in my head.
Please. Help me. Help me let go. Make him come back. No. Make him disappear out of my life. No wait, I just want to talk to him one last time...
I just get so frustrated because I don't even know what to ask for, I just wish I can have a one-on-one with Allah swt, because I'm sure he has all the answers--why he left, how it's going to affect my future...and what I should be praying for? What DO I pray for? Strength? A new man? No more love? The strength to love again? WHAT DO I DO?
I just feel so disconnected, I feel like my prayers are disappearing in thin air, do the tears mean anything at all?
Please talk to me God...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Please talk to me God...
Posted by *MuslimChica* at 6:17 PM
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3 comments:
Salaams...
Hang in there young one. It seems this is your first heart break and it might possibly be the most difficult one you'll ever have to endure. Insha'Allah you'll be lucky and will never have to go through another heart break again (insha'Allah). Trust me when I say that I know it can quite possibly far worse than any physical pain.
I want to say something to you that I should have said with the first post. YOU CAN DO WAY BETTER! I know I don't know you personally, and I only know you through your blog, but honestly, no girl should feel that she needs a man who can so easily dis her and break up with her for no reason. You don't need that. Besides, you're young...you have a whole life ahead of you! There's still college! Don't be in a rush to fall in love...its not all its cut out to be anyway.
I guess what I can tell you is...know your worth and know that you are worth more than how you were treated and you deserve more and insha'ALlah Allah SWT will grant you more. The pain won't go away quickly, but insha'Allah with time it will become easier.
You remind me SO MUCH of me.
Wsalaam
Alhumdulillah I'm ALOT BETTER! Maybe it's a bit too soon to say this, but no--seriously, I think my prayers have been answered, Alhumdulilah.
Actually, I texted him Ramadan Mubarak and I still got a cold, arrogant, smart-ass type of reply to a joke I had with him last Ramadan, (as in I brought it up and he killed the joke) and then...it's like...Allah swt keeps showing me time after time after time his true face--how he really is and how much he can change and flip out, it's absolutely astonishing. I have realized it is a waste of time and pointless to be crying over someone who doesn't seem to give a damn about me anyways, life is too short for that. Allah swt is always there and for all I know this could be beyond beneficial, and slowly, that is revealing itself to me. I have a lot of things to occupy myself with rather than occupying myself to heart break. Heart break is a psychological sickness, and the only cure can be brought by yourself, it is up to US to fight it. It truly is a psychological battle, but anyways--there's too much to do, too much to go through and there's very little time. As strange as this sounds, I feel that that day praying Asr has brought a huge change in me, I feel extremely close to Allah swt and look at the things I HAVE, which I have plenty...rather than look at the things I DON'T have..which would be one thing..him..and you know what? That's okay. InshAllah there will be someone else in my life to love, cherish and respect. Hopefully all this would help you as well =) But yes, I'm completely okay. I doubt I will ever cry over him again inshALlah...down the trash!
soubhanallah you remind me so much of me two years ago. same thing than you. had a boyfriend. and he ditched me for another girl. soubhanallah i saw his true colors time after time. it was astonishing. i felt so much pain. i didnt know it could hurt like that. i tried changing myself. cut my hair short. so many things. just becasue i hated myself. and i wanted to be someone else. and deep down, i hoped seeing the new me he could come back. i was so stupid Allahu Akbar. May Allah forgive me. and later i moved to another town, got interested into my religion islam. and started practicing. alhamdoulilah. all that is past for me. i wish the same for you. insha'Allah continue praying to God. and dont mind boys. they are a waste of timee.
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